Prepare! For the End of the World is Coming!
Readers of this blog, listeners of our show, people of the world. The end is nigh. The rapture is coming. A prophecy has been foretold and soon the impure (Furries, Tik Tok Stars, Flat Earthers) will perish while the worthy ascend into the skies. Repent sinners and prepare for the world is going to end and we have the specific year:
Hold on. I know what you're thinking. It's 2021. I am still here, the world did not end. Congratulations. You have an average brain. The world did not in fact end, but it's what the people of Leeds in the UK began to think when a chicken started hatching eggs that said 'Christ is Coming.' on them. This is the first of a blog series called 'Cold Cases' where I tackle some truly strange stories and theories. Our first topic: End of the world predictions.
So it's 1806. Not quite Victorian times. Parents hadn't yet thought to shove their children up chimneys but oh boy that's coming. More importantly though, Mary Bateman is on the scene. Word spread around Leeds that a domesticated hen belonging to the woman was laying eggs inscribed with 'Christ is coming.' on them. This was before the time of background checks. So Mary's history of thievery, being a self proclaimed witch and the deaths of at least three women, did not come into question when people flocked to her and her chicken for magical protection from the coming end of the world.
This was, of course, complete bollocks and Mary was caught out in her act. She had used Vinegar to inscribe the words on the eggs and then re-inserted them into the chicken. A local doctor discovered the deception and the end of the world did not come to pass. I plan on moving on to the next prediction but I figured you guys would like to know what happened to Mary Bateman. Well after this ruse she went on to kill another woman through poisoning. Thus led to the rest of her murders and deceptions being discovered and she was sentenced to death. At the time, you could pay 3 pence to visit her dead body at the infirmary (I also said 'what the fuck' out loud upon reading that) and strangest of all, strips of her skin were sold as charms to ward off evil spirits. What in gods name have I been researching.
But moving on. Here we go, no mistakes. This chapter of our world is coming to a close. I mean it this time. Where are you going? Up the shop? Sit your ass back down mister because you ain't going nowhere but the morgue. It's disaster time baby. And here's the exact, specific, date:
May 10th, 1910.
At least, that is what many people around the world believed. Haley's Comet was making it's regular vacation trip passed earth (It does this every 76 years) but in 1910 it was driving the world into a frenzy. This time around it was expected to come extremely close to the earths surface so many believed that would spell the end of our planet either by collision or from poisonous gasses from the comet itself.
The world looked to the skies and also to their wallets. Nefarious plans were made to cash in on this incoming doom. Gas masks flew off the shelves and pills were sold, marketed to 'Cure all things Comet!' 39 members of a cult in South California committed suicide and one man tried to nail himself to a cross. He managed to nail his feet and one hand but, naturally, struggled with the third nail. 'If you're going to start a job you better know how to finish it,' my father used to say. Despite neighbours coming to his rescue, he screamed in agony to be left alone.
Possibly the most wild reaction to this prospect of the end of days was from a cult called 'The Sacred Followers' in Oklahoma. In a last ditch attempt to prevent their doom they decided it was high time they sacrificed a local virgin. Jane Warfield was the virgin in question. She was saved just in time by the local sheriff and his posse. As with the last prediction, the destruction of earth did not come to pass.
But hold your horses guys. You ain't getting off that easy. Sit down, make yourself that last cup of tea. Say goodbye to your mother. Because this is it. The big boy. The daddy of all predictions. Ain't no way this one isn't coming true. The end of the world is happening on:
December 21st 2012.
Our last past prediction is one we've probably all heard of. Fun fact, it falls on my birthday. With this evidence alone it's hard to argue that I'm not the second coming of Christ (Third, if you count Mary Bateman's Chicken).
The 5,126 year long Mayan calendar ends on this date which led many to believe that this meant the end of the world. As this was part of their culture, Mayan countries like Mexico and Honduras took part in festivities to mark the occasion. The rest of the world however, went absolutely batshit crazy.
In Serbia, people predicted that a mountain in their country would serve as a 'force shield' from the upcoming catastrophe, all nearby hotels were subsequently full to the brim with people seeking protection. Over in Moscow, supermarkets were being emptied of all survival items. In China, 1,000 members of a cult were arrested, as they saw 2012 as a sign to overthrow communism and attempted to take down the government. An online site in the country was selling tickets on board a new 'Noah's ark' built by a man. Another fella, crazy from fear, went on a knife spree, wounding 23 children.
The madness didn't end there. Fears of school shootings went up in America, causing schools to close for Christmas 2 days earlier than usual, and the sale of Blast shelters was at an all time high. Over in Argentina, a mass suicide was organised over Facebook, that thankfully didn't go ahead.
As with our last two predictions, 2012 came, and 2012 went. I had a pretty good birthday, but the world didn't end. Not only that, but the world is still here today. It is 2021, and though we are in the midst of a global pandemic catastrophe, I don't think the world is going to actually end.
However, I'm going to leave you with this. You've probably opened this article expecting a proper date for the end of the world. When is it coming James? I have children to think about. I've only gotten half way through this share bag of skittles.
Well I hope you're ready. Sit down and strap in ladies and gentleman, grab a shot to calm your nerves. Book those last ever Post Malone tickets (That's unrelated to the end of the world. That dude just ain't making it to old age). The end is finally coming. After all of these failed predictions, the human races time on earth is finally going to be snuffed out. 'We are on the edge of our seats James' I hear you say. Well, fucking stop it guys, I asked you to sit down. Here it is. The apocalypse dawns in:
That's right guys. If the warnings of now deceased pastor Dr F. Kenton Beshore are to be believed, then the world ends at some point this year. Following that, the second coming of Christ will happen in 2028, once the dust has settled. The Coronavirus pandemic has already been linked as a start of this doomsday event followed by a recent earthquake in Croatia.
So that's it guys, get your affairs in order. It's certainly been nice knowing you, I hope you lived pleasant lives.
- James Court.
On an unrelated note, please continue to listen to the podcast and visit the website throughout 2022.